I woke up around sevenish and called my Dad's cell. He said that neither mom or he slept very good. He procedded to tell me that the triage ER nurse was Katie, my elementary school frind. She was able to push them right through, they only had to wait for one other person. Then while in the ER several people came up giving their sympathies and saying, "Oh you are Anita Hicks." When the ER doctor walked in he said, "I understand you already have a room upstairs, why keep you here." The only thing ER did was start an IC and then sent her to Oncology. Then the hospitalist came and it was Dr. Ann Marie Barnett. She performed a breast exam and couldn't find anything. My dad asked why they think the primary source is breast and not bone. She said because bone is very rare and the spine is the most common area for breast cancer to spread to. After assessing her she asked if my mom taught violin lessons. Right at that moment my mom knew who this doctor was....an old violin student of hers. They ended up talking for a couple of hours. By then it was around 2:30 or so in the morning. After the doctor left they said they had a hard time sleeping and thought they finally fell asleep around 4AM or so. He also informed me that an Oncologist was going to see my mom this morning. That was great.
I was hoping to be there early enough so I could hear what the Oncologist had to say. However I was pretty slow about getting ready and right before leaving the house my Dad called and said the Oncologist was there. Matt stayed home with Brielle. I took Miles, a bag of food and my mom's lap top. When I arrived to my mom’s room my Aunt Nan and Grandpa Ross was there. My mom smiled and said that she gets to go home. They want her to do a mammogram and a bone biopsy before she was discharged but the bone biopsy equipment wasn't working. Her mammogram was scheduled for 10:30. She said the doctor said she has an unusual manifestation. He said she presented like men do with prostate cancer but she has the wrong plumbing. He performed a breast exam and didn't feel anything. Therefore she is a mystery. I figured it was a good sign that no one could feel anything when doing a breast exam but I wasn't getting my hopes up. While we were talking I pulled out some food so Dad and I could eat. While we were talking my mom was expressing her concern about her "filthy" house. I kept telling her not to worry about it.
I was thrilled she gets to go home and the ER visit was everything I hoped and wished for. Our objective was to get the ball rolling and get an Oncologist and some testing done. We have done just that. Monday Mom needed to call the Oncologist office and have them schedule a bone biopsy.
I helped my mom get dressed (which didn't make her very happy... she said, "I can do this.") and listen to Stacy review the discharge paperwork. When reviewing the medications my mom asked when she can have the next pain pill. Stacy said "Now if you want to." I told mom it would be a good idea to take one now and she said "OK!" My jaw just dropped. OK?! Now I knew my mom was really hurting when she said that.
I packed up and headed to my parents house. I was pulling out of the ER parking lot when I called Brian and did a conference call with Erin. I informed them Mom was going home and then talked about how we really need to pull together as siblings. I expressed my feeling on mom dying. Erin started raising her voice and yelling, "Danielle, don't say that!" and started to cry. I told her I don't want her to be taken by surprise and I wasn't sure when she was going to die. I said we needed to be strong for Mom and Dad. It was a tough conversation but we all agreed to be there for our parents and we were going to start by holding a family fast tomorrow.
Heading up my parents road I saw Matt standing on the Mooneys porch with Mary Ann and Timmy. I stopped the truck and went over to say hello. Mary Ann gave me the biggest hug I have ever been given by her and she just held me as we both started to cry. We talked for a little while and informed them of the fast we were going to do and they too were going to participate.
Mom and Dad made it home and my mom started cleaning dishes and picking up the kitchen a little. I wasn't too please. I told her to stop and she wouldn't. She said, "I am not dead yet!" I informed her that the concern of her doing things was not because of the cancer. I told her she forgets she had two big events happen, 1 the car accident and 2 the cancer diagnosis. She is currently hurting from the car accident and she doesn't need to overdo it. I ran to her room to start laundry because I knew that’s what she would be doing next. My Dad came to help and informed me that he wasn’t an invalid and he could do things too. I told him I knew but he also had a lot on his plate.
I had both kids asleep and after some time my Mom decided to go and take a nap. My Dad went in to tuck her in and when he walked out of the room and shut the door, I watched as he walked to the opening of the basement and placed his arm up against the wall, his head following and tears come out. I let him sit there for a second and then went over and grabbed him, turned him around and placed my arms around him. Through his tears he said, "Oh, Danielle." I was so hard to see my Dad like this. I have always known he wanted to die first and now he was going to watch his wife die before him. I do believe it was shortly after this moment when he sat down on the couch and told me that the kids would be better off if this was him and not my mom going through this. I felt many of his insecurities starting to come out. I tried to comfort him and tell him he is a great Father and Grandpa and he kept saying, "Ya, because of your mom!" I knew this was true and tried to tell him he would be ok.
A short while later my dad went and ran some errands. I figured this was the best time for me to clean the house. So I picked a few things up and started dusting. The phone rang several times and so I had some interruptions in my cleaning. A few of the calls were my parent’s Stake President, Joe Johnson wanting the scoop on things. After talking for some time he stopped and asked me what he could do and then he started chuckling and said, " I know what you are thinking...ya you could release my Dad." I laughed and said, Ya that would be nice and proceeded to say that it would be really good if he talked to my Dad. I asked Joe to call my Dad on his cell phone and then ended the conversation. Another call was Don and Corrine. I informed her we did want to do a family fast and to spread the word. They had some paperwork they wanted to go over with mom and asked me to call when she got up. By then Dad had come back from his errands and said that Beth had lined up dinners for tonight, Sunday and Monday and then decided to take a nap.
When I finished dusting Brian and Crystal walked through the door and shortly after Don and Corrine. They had brought pizza and dessert with them. They stayed and visited for some time, and many tears were shed. Then Aunt Beth and Angie came over with a really good dinner. We were all starving and were grateful for the food. They stayed and played with the babies while we ate. Aunt Beth asked us what our wishes were in regards to telling people because she has had several calls asking and telling her what they have heard. It was kinda funny because a lot of people found out but with the wrong possible diagnosis. It ranged from lung cancer to brain cancer. We all turned to my mom since it was her call. She said she didn't care who knew. At that point my Dad decided he needed to make an announcement at the end of sacrament. We ended the evening with several visitors and multiple phone calls. It was a very busy night and full of sadness and tears. There was such a black cloud hanging over the house and the only ray of sunshine were the kiddos-Brielle, Miles and Eva.
Brielle has really struggled since my mom’s accident. She has always been very sensitive to emotions and knew something wasn't right. She also didn't like that Oma wasn't able to play with her the way she normally does and this turned her world upside down. She was a little whiny and acted out a little. However given the situation she was pretty good.
Sunday was hard. I knew I couldn't fast and really wanted to. Thankfully the kids woke up early enough that we could get everyone ready and make it to my parents ward in time. We walked in and saw my Mom sitting next to MaryAnn Mooney and noticed I was the only sibling there. (It kinda made me chuckle to think that I beat my siblings when I live the furthest away and have 2 kids to get ready. ) Anyway, the meeting started and my brother and sister did show up. We sat there as a family which felt really good. The talks were FANTASTIC. Both speakers talked about fasting and the miracles that occurs because of fasting. It was very comforting to hear, knowing we were praying for a miracle. Then the moment came. Mike was conducting and he stood at the pulpit and BAWLED like a baby (I have NEVER seen this). We all started to cry. Mike was able to gather his emotions enough to turn the time over to my Dad. I was SO impressed with how well my dad was able to handle the situation. He broke the news that mom probably has cancer and asked for the love and support from the ward. The spirit there was SO strong. I am SO grateful we were all able to experience that together as a family.
Matt had to get back to our ward to do some church business. On our way home he said he still needed a female to say the closing prayer. I told him I would do it. He wasn't too sure if that was a good idea but I insisted. I felt that if I couldn't fast it was the least I could do for the day. Church for us didn't start for another couple of hours so I put Brielle down for a nap and called some more people to tell them the news and to think. While I was thinking and making theses phone calls I just couldn't help but explain to people the feelings I was having. I would tell people I wasn't ready to lose my mom, I am too young to lose her. I would also explain how blessed I felt we were. This week I personally felt the heavens were opened up and blessings just poured upon my family. I couldn't deny the fact that I knew my Heavenly Father was aware of my family. There was no doubt he didn't know what we were going through and that he was looking after us. At one point in time I was talking to someone and said that I was ready to accept the Lords will and if it was my moms time to go then I was ok with that. I just begged and pleaded with the Lord to bless me with the strength to endure. It made me sad to think that I may lose my mom and I feel I would lose a lot of my identity for awhile. It was the first time in my life where I have been so willing to accept the Lords plan and I felt comforted (doesn't mean it didn't make it easier to deal with at the time). I have always turned to my mom for strength, guidance, direction, love, support, laughter etc. She has always been my venting ear and been willing to listen and help me work through my problems. However this week I felt I couldn't turn to her to do any of those things and for the first time I turned to my husband for all the above. For the first time I really learned to appreciate my husband’s love, advice, listening ear, support, laughter, strength etc. For the first time I fully gave myself to my husband. This week was a huge turning point for my marriage and my relationship between my mom and I. I don't want to burden my mom with silly things but I still need to get it off my chest. Matt has done a wonderful job in stepping in and being there for me. How grateful I am for that.
When I went to sacrament people were floored that I was there with Miles and doing so well. I don't think I would have brought a 6 day old to church if it weren't for the given situation. However I felt it wasn't right to be everywhere (hospitals, shopping, my parents ward) and not go to church. I knew no one would really understand except for a few people that knew about my mom. I was really surprised how nervous I became as sacrament was coming to a close and I knew I was going to be saying the prayer. I became very emotional during the closing song (I am thinking, "Great!" This is going to look bad"). I pulled myself together and walked up to the pulpit confident. As I stood there I had to fight the emotions off again and I couldn't talk. At this point I was becoming a little embarrassed. I finally pulled through and said the prayer. It was hard but I did it. Later Matt told me how much grief people gave him for making me say the closing prayer but I was very grateful for the opportunity.
I left after sacrament and headed over to my parents house where we hung out and had several visitors again that night. It was really hard because my deepest desire was to have some one-on-one time with my mom. I wanted to know where she stood on things. I wanted to know what she was thinking. I wanted her to comfort me and I wanted to be selfish and have her all to myself. However that didn't happen and it was really hard on me. I didn't ever say anything or push it because this situation wasn't about me. For once in my life I had to step aside and not have my mom focus on me. I needed to be strong for her and do whatever she needed me to do. I knew she wouldn't ask me to do anything so I would just start doing things I knew she normally would do. I was grateful I was able to provide such a service to my mother and it made me feel good to.
Not only am I trying to deal with my mom but I also had a newborn. Poor Miles I feel my attention has not been very focused on him. He hasn't been neglected because there are so many people around he is always being held. However, I am not as attentive as I should be especially with his bili blanket. It's been a hit and miss on when he is under the blanket. However, his color is looking better so I haven't stressed it very much. It's just a pain to deal with and another stress I don't want to have right now. It feels more like a burden than anything despite the good it is doing for him.
I was hoping to be there early enough so I could hear what the Oncologist had to say. However I was pretty slow about getting ready and right before leaving the house my Dad called and said the Oncologist was there. Matt stayed home with Brielle. I took Miles, a bag of food and my mom's lap top. When I arrived to my mom’s room my Aunt Nan and Grandpa Ross was there. My mom smiled and said that she gets to go home. They want her to do a mammogram and a bone biopsy before she was discharged but the bone biopsy equipment wasn't working. Her mammogram was scheduled for 10:30. She said the doctor said she has an unusual manifestation. He said she presented like men do with prostate cancer but she has the wrong plumbing. He performed a breast exam and didn't feel anything. Therefore she is a mystery. I figured it was a good sign that no one could feel anything when doing a breast exam but I wasn't getting my hopes up. While we were talking I pulled out some food so Dad and I could eat. While we were talking my mom was expressing her concern about her "filthy" house. I kept telling her not to worry about it.
I was thrilled she gets to go home and the ER visit was everything I hoped and wished for. Our objective was to get the ball rolling and get an Oncologist and some testing done. We have done just that. Monday Mom needed to call the Oncologist office and have them schedule a bone biopsy.
I helped my mom get dressed (which didn't make her very happy... she said, "I can do this.") and listen to Stacy review the discharge paperwork. When reviewing the medications my mom asked when she can have the next pain pill. Stacy said "Now if you want to." I told mom it would be a good idea to take one now and she said "OK!" My jaw just dropped. OK?! Now I knew my mom was really hurting when she said that.
I packed up and headed to my parents house. I was pulling out of the ER parking lot when I called Brian and did a conference call with Erin. I informed them Mom was going home and then talked about how we really need to pull together as siblings. I expressed my feeling on mom dying. Erin started raising her voice and yelling, "Danielle, don't say that!" and started to cry. I told her I don't want her to be taken by surprise and I wasn't sure when she was going to die. I said we needed to be strong for Mom and Dad. It was a tough conversation but we all agreed to be there for our parents and we were going to start by holding a family fast tomorrow.
Heading up my parents road I saw Matt standing on the Mooneys porch with Mary Ann and Timmy. I stopped the truck and went over to say hello. Mary Ann gave me the biggest hug I have ever been given by her and she just held me as we both started to cry. We talked for a little while and informed them of the fast we were going to do and they too were going to participate.
Mom and Dad made it home and my mom started cleaning dishes and picking up the kitchen a little. I wasn't too please. I told her to stop and she wouldn't. She said, "I am not dead yet!" I informed her that the concern of her doing things was not because of the cancer. I told her she forgets she had two big events happen, 1 the car accident and 2 the cancer diagnosis. She is currently hurting from the car accident and she doesn't need to overdo it. I ran to her room to start laundry because I knew that’s what she would be doing next. My Dad came to help and informed me that he wasn’t an invalid and he could do things too. I told him I knew but he also had a lot on his plate.
I had both kids asleep and after some time my Mom decided to go and take a nap. My Dad went in to tuck her in and when he walked out of the room and shut the door, I watched as he walked to the opening of the basement and placed his arm up against the wall, his head following and tears come out. I let him sit there for a second and then went over and grabbed him, turned him around and placed my arms around him. Through his tears he said, "Oh, Danielle." I was so hard to see my Dad like this. I have always known he wanted to die first and now he was going to watch his wife die before him. I do believe it was shortly after this moment when he sat down on the couch and told me that the kids would be better off if this was him and not my mom going through this. I felt many of his insecurities starting to come out. I tried to comfort him and tell him he is a great Father and Grandpa and he kept saying, "Ya, because of your mom!" I knew this was true and tried to tell him he would be ok.
A short while later my dad went and ran some errands. I figured this was the best time for me to clean the house. So I picked a few things up and started dusting. The phone rang several times and so I had some interruptions in my cleaning. A few of the calls were my parent’s Stake President, Joe Johnson wanting the scoop on things. After talking for some time he stopped and asked me what he could do and then he started chuckling and said, " I know what you are thinking...ya you could release my Dad." I laughed and said, Ya that would be nice and proceeded to say that it would be really good if he talked to my Dad. I asked Joe to call my Dad on his cell phone and then ended the conversation. Another call was Don and Corrine. I informed her we did want to do a family fast and to spread the word. They had some paperwork they wanted to go over with mom and asked me to call when she got up. By then Dad had come back from his errands and said that Beth had lined up dinners for tonight, Sunday and Monday and then decided to take a nap.
When I finished dusting Brian and Crystal walked through the door and shortly after Don and Corrine. They had brought pizza and dessert with them. They stayed and visited for some time, and many tears were shed. Then Aunt Beth and Angie came over with a really good dinner. We were all starving and were grateful for the food. They stayed and played with the babies while we ate. Aunt Beth asked us what our wishes were in regards to telling people because she has had several calls asking and telling her what they have heard. It was kinda funny because a lot of people found out but with the wrong possible diagnosis. It ranged from lung cancer to brain cancer. We all turned to my mom since it was her call. She said she didn't care who knew. At that point my Dad decided he needed to make an announcement at the end of sacrament. We ended the evening with several visitors and multiple phone calls. It was a very busy night and full of sadness and tears. There was such a black cloud hanging over the house and the only ray of sunshine were the kiddos-Brielle, Miles and Eva.
Brielle has really struggled since my mom’s accident. She has always been very sensitive to emotions and knew something wasn't right. She also didn't like that Oma wasn't able to play with her the way she normally does and this turned her world upside down. She was a little whiny and acted out a little. However given the situation she was pretty good.
Sunday was hard. I knew I couldn't fast and really wanted to. Thankfully the kids woke up early enough that we could get everyone ready and make it to my parents ward in time. We walked in and saw my Mom sitting next to MaryAnn Mooney and noticed I was the only sibling there. (It kinda made me chuckle to think that I beat my siblings when I live the furthest away and have 2 kids to get ready. ) Anyway, the meeting started and my brother and sister did show up. We sat there as a family which felt really good. The talks were FANTASTIC. Both speakers talked about fasting and the miracles that occurs because of fasting. It was very comforting to hear, knowing we were praying for a miracle. Then the moment came. Mike was conducting and he stood at the pulpit and BAWLED like a baby (I have NEVER seen this). We all started to cry. Mike was able to gather his emotions enough to turn the time over to my Dad. I was SO impressed with how well my dad was able to handle the situation. He broke the news that mom probably has cancer and asked for the love and support from the ward. The spirit there was SO strong. I am SO grateful we were all able to experience that together as a family.
Matt had to get back to our ward to do some church business. On our way home he said he still needed a female to say the closing prayer. I told him I would do it. He wasn't too sure if that was a good idea but I insisted. I felt that if I couldn't fast it was the least I could do for the day. Church for us didn't start for another couple of hours so I put Brielle down for a nap and called some more people to tell them the news and to think. While I was thinking and making theses phone calls I just couldn't help but explain to people the feelings I was having. I would tell people I wasn't ready to lose my mom, I am too young to lose her. I would also explain how blessed I felt we were. This week I personally felt the heavens were opened up and blessings just poured upon my family. I couldn't deny the fact that I knew my Heavenly Father was aware of my family. There was no doubt he didn't know what we were going through and that he was looking after us. At one point in time I was talking to someone and said that I was ready to accept the Lords will and if it was my moms time to go then I was ok with that. I just begged and pleaded with the Lord to bless me with the strength to endure. It made me sad to think that I may lose my mom and I feel I would lose a lot of my identity for awhile. It was the first time in my life where I have been so willing to accept the Lords plan and I felt comforted (doesn't mean it didn't make it easier to deal with at the time). I have always turned to my mom for strength, guidance, direction, love, support, laughter etc. She has always been my venting ear and been willing to listen and help me work through my problems. However this week I felt I couldn't turn to her to do any of those things and for the first time I turned to my husband for all the above. For the first time I really learned to appreciate my husband’s love, advice, listening ear, support, laughter, strength etc. For the first time I fully gave myself to my husband. This week was a huge turning point for my marriage and my relationship between my mom and I. I don't want to burden my mom with silly things but I still need to get it off my chest. Matt has done a wonderful job in stepping in and being there for me. How grateful I am for that.
When I went to sacrament people were floored that I was there with Miles and doing so well. I don't think I would have brought a 6 day old to church if it weren't for the given situation. However I felt it wasn't right to be everywhere (hospitals, shopping, my parents ward) and not go to church. I knew no one would really understand except for a few people that knew about my mom. I was really surprised how nervous I became as sacrament was coming to a close and I knew I was going to be saying the prayer. I became very emotional during the closing song (I am thinking, "Great!" This is going to look bad"). I pulled myself together and walked up to the pulpit confident. As I stood there I had to fight the emotions off again and I couldn't talk. At this point I was becoming a little embarrassed. I finally pulled through and said the prayer. It was hard but I did it. Later Matt told me how much grief people gave him for making me say the closing prayer but I was very grateful for the opportunity.
I left after sacrament and headed over to my parents house where we hung out and had several visitors again that night. It was really hard because my deepest desire was to have some one-on-one time with my mom. I wanted to know where she stood on things. I wanted to know what she was thinking. I wanted her to comfort me and I wanted to be selfish and have her all to myself. However that didn't happen and it was really hard on me. I didn't ever say anything or push it because this situation wasn't about me. For once in my life I had to step aside and not have my mom focus on me. I needed to be strong for her and do whatever she needed me to do. I knew she wouldn't ask me to do anything so I would just start doing things I knew she normally would do. I was grateful I was able to provide such a service to my mother and it made me feel good to.
Not only am I trying to deal with my mom but I also had a newborn. Poor Miles I feel my attention has not been very focused on him. He hasn't been neglected because there are so many people around he is always being held. However, I am not as attentive as I should be especially with his bili blanket. It's been a hit and miss on when he is under the blanket. However, his color is looking better so I haven't stressed it very much. It's just a pain to deal with and another stress I don't want to have right now. It feels more like a burden than anything despite the good it is doing for him.
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