Today was our second day home as a family. It was nice having Matt home playing with Brielle and helping her adjust to having Miles around. It was a busy morning because I had to take Miles to get a lab draw for his bilirubin and then I had an appointment with Dr. Najami at 10:15.
The lab draw was an adventure in and of it itself. Miles woke up at 6:30 so I figured I had enough time to feed him, get ready to go and be there before 8:00. However it took me forever to get out the door between feeding, and dressing and getting myself ready, I was out later than I wanted. The biggest problem was I got lost. I have always driven across town to the Lab Corp over off Baring Blvd but I didn't have the time this morning nor did I find it appropriate. So I looked up the closest Lap Corp and couldn't find it. After driving all the way down Sixth Street and to the Truckee River I discovered I passed it right at the beginning. Oops. I sign in and start digging for my insurance card and can't find it. GREAT! I am already late and now I don't think they will serve me because I don't have my insurance card. Then I remember I never got it back from the doctors office the day before. SHOOT! I informed the front desk that I didn't have my insurance card and she asked if I had used Lab Corp before. Of course. So then they were going to call over to Baring's office but their telephone lines were down. I suggested they call the doctors office (which they did) and I didn't have to be sent away. Thank goodness.
Lap Corp handed me a little hot packet to stick on Miles heel to warm it up and increase the blood flow to that area. It didn't take very long to be called back because it was a STAT order. I didn't think it was that big of a deal to get poked but the lady poked the wrong foot, squeezed it to death and then had to poke the other foot. Miles was so done by the time she finished. I couldn't believe the troubles this lady was having. I almost said, "Here let me do it myself." But I didn't.
We finished up at Lap Corp and ran over to the pediatricians office to get my insurance card and headed home. I made it home just in time to feed Miles and while Matt dropped Brielle off to the Jolley's. Matt picked me up and off we went to Dr. Najami's office. This was a nice visit because the nurse we really like from the office came into the room and chatted with us and checked out the baby. She stayed until Najami walked in. I informed the doctor that I was running a little fever, I ached really bad when I wasn't on Motrin, I was extremely cold the day before, my discharge doesn't seem right, and I was afraid I had an infection. She didn't disagree and said that she wanted to put me on antibiotics just in case I did have an infection. She said it's the perfect antibiotic for any "itis" infection.
We went and ran some errands since we didn't have Brielle. Meanwhile I had remembered that the doctors office was going to call me and tell me the result of the bilirubin lab and if I needed to continue the bili blanket or not. So I called to see if I had missed their call, which I had not, and I gave them my cell phone number.
We went and picked up Brielle and hung out with the Jolley's a little bit. It was fun to see all the kids get so excited about the baby. We didn't want to stay long because I was trying to catch my parents before they took off for girls camp. Back in the truck we went and ran over to my parents. We ended up staying longer than expected. Corrine was heading over with some food for us and it was fun introducing the new baby to her. As a result my parents didn't get away until after three (an hour or so later later than they wanted to). We locked up the house and headed home ourselves. On my way home I called my mom to apologize for keeping them so late and how it was nice to see them, and to drive safe.
Brielle fell asleep on the way home and stayed asleep. One of the "things to do before the baby comes" that didn't get accomplished, because I was early, was grocery shopping. So Matt decided to go to Walmart to pick up my prescription and get some food. I still had not heard from the doctor’s office and tried to call again for the results. They asked me to call if I had not heard from them by four. I seriously hate the waiting game.
I was feeding Miles when Matt called and asked if I had heard from my parents. Right there I knew something was wrong and I responded, "No, why what happen?" That's when he informed me Mom and Dad got in an accident and totaled Grandpa Ross's truck. I FREAKED OUT! I started bawling and was so concerned about my mom and her back. Matt informed me he needed to come home and get the truck and go pick them up. Matt tried to calm me down but all I wanted to do was call my Dad's phone and talk to them. Luckily my dad picked up. I started to cry and asked if they were ok. He informed me they were 'ok.' I asked him what had happen and he said there was a dry lake bed out in Cold Springs. The wind was so strong it picked up the alkaline dirt and created black out conditions. As a result he rear ended some one. I asked him what I needed to do about girl’s camp, who I needed to contact. He wasn't sure. He was close to Mom and handed her the phone, once she picked up I started bawling again asking if she was ok and how sorry I was for making them late. She told me she was sore but ok and I needed to calm down and tell Matt to hurry up. I told her Matt was going to pick up the truck and come and get them.
I got off the phone and called Corrine right away. I wasn't sure if Don was going up to girls camp so I informed her of the news and she said Don wasn't going. She wasn't too sure who was heading up or who we should call. I got off the phone and called Mary Ann Mooney for Roger's cell number. I called Roger since he is the bishop of the 5th ward and hoped he was heading up to girl’s camp. Once he picked up I started bawling again. In fact Roger couldn't even understand me so he had to ask who he was talking to. I finally gained enough composure to ask him if he was going up to girl’s camp. He said he was and he had just left! I informed him of what had happen to my parents and he said he would pull over when he saw them. I just begged and pleaded with him that he figured something out so my Dad did not have to drive up there again the next day. He said they would take care of things. I was SO grateful for him. I felt so much better knowing that Roger was going to be there. Shortly after getting off the phone my mom called (sounding very distressed) and asked where Matt was. This really shook me up and I started crying again and saying, "He is coming, he just needs to pick up the truck and he will be there." Repeating it several times. She just keep saying,
just come get me, I want to go home." I felt so helpless. I had Miles in my arms and Brielle sound asleep and I couldn't help her. I called Matt back and said, "Where are you! You have to go and get them." He informed me he was checking out and would be there soon. I tried to tell him to just leave his cart and come home.
It felt like forever before Matt walked in with all the groceries. Norma and Lisa came in behind him with their arms full of food, beautiful flowers, a gift and a balloon. Matt took off and Norma and Lisa came over to look at the baby and show me pictures of the family reunion. I opened their gift that was a cute outfit. Meanwhile I was trying to balance several phone calls in between our visit. I felt bad because she was trying to figure out what I wanted her to do with dinner and I was so distraught still, I kept saying, "I don’t know, I think I will wait for Matt." At 4:44 Matt sent me a picture of what the truck looked like. The front end was pretty smashed up. Shorty after the text from Matt he called and informed me that mom was taken to the hospital by REMSA and they are heading to Renown. I FREAKED OUT again and wanted to jump in the car right then and head to the hospital. Shortly after that phone call the pediatricians office called, it was the doctor calling about the lab result. He informed me that the bilirubin level was still 13.1 and I needed to keep him under the lights all weekend long. I starting crying and apologized (I am sure he was thinking I had lost it) I tried to explain why I was crying and then asked what kind of follow up I needed to do. He said to make an appointment on Monday to see the doctor, by then Dr. Zucker would be back.
The phone rang again and it was Roger. He too informed me that my mom was going to the hospital. My mom was in good hands and was well taken care of. He proceeded to tell me that when he arrived on scene the highway patrol was a guy he went to high school with. He knew the fire crew and once they saw him (Roger) on scene their care became personal. He also informed me there were several car accidents on that road.
When I got off the phone, once again I felt stuck. I didn't know what to do. I had Norma and Lisa there, Brielle was still asleep, I have a 4 day old baby and I really want to go to the hospital and be there with my mom. I felt really bad but I asked Norma and Lisa if they wouldn't mind staying at the house and watching Brielle while I went to the hospital. They were so kind and told me to go and they would stay. They even offered to watch Miles but I felt that I better take him.
I quickly packed up and headed out the door. My initial thought was I need to get there because mom is going to freak out being in the hospital by herself. I figured it would take Dad and Matt some time before they get to the hospital so the least I could do is be there with Mom. I called Matt to see where he was and much to my surprise he said he was in the Renown waiting room. Really? He said they weren't with mom because she hasn't been assigned a room yet and they were just waiting to hear where she was. I told him I was on my way and he asked me not to come because there wasn't anything I could do. I know he was looking out for the best interest of Miles but there is no way I could sit at home just stirring and wondering what was going on. I needed to be there with my Mom.
I haven't been to Renown since they have remodeled. I thought I was at the front entrance of the ER but Matt couldn't find me. Come to find out I was in the wrong spot. Goes to show you how much I was paying attention. By the time I arrived my mom had a room, howeve, she wasn't there. My first item of business was to give my Dad a huge hug. I noticed his ears and clothes were covered in dirt but I didn't care. I was engulfed by his arms and I just started crying telling him I was SO sorry for making him late it was my fault they were even in that situation. I felt it was all my fault. Once I calmed down stopped embracing him, I asked where Mom was and he said he didn't know. We asked a couple people and they didn't know where she was either. It felt like forever but it was probably 10 minutes before I saw my mom being rolled down the hallway. She was in c-spine precautions so she had the neck brace on and the backboard underneath her. When she got closer I could she how filthy dirty she was. Her face, hair, clothes-everything was caked with dirt. The first thing I said to her was, "Wow Mom you look HOT!" We both chuckled. She was happy to see everyone in the room.
I was hoping Matt's cousin Jamie was working. She is an ER nurse at Renown but I found out she was out of town. I called her anyway because I was curious to know the routine and what the blue section meant. She said we were in the trauma section of the ER. She informed me that all test results should be back in an hour from the time my mom arrived to the room. If we don't hear from a doctor by then we should be harping on the nurse to get the ball rolling. I felt that was very helpful information so we weren't sitting in the ER forever.
My mom was in pain but she was trying to be tough (like she always does). I made Matt hit the nurses light so she can get some pain medication. When the nurse first walked in my mom wasn't going to say anything but I informed her she needed some pain medication. She asked where my moms pain was and she said from her neck all the way down to her legs. The board was really uncomfortable and my mom told the nurse she thinks if she could get off the board she would feel better. My mom would try to wiggle around to get comfortable but it wasn't working. I would get after her because she shouldn't be moving much until we had results.
My mom felt really gross being so dirty. She had Matt wash her face off and we were able to get something to wash her mouth out. She wasn't allowed to eat or drink just in case she had to go into surgery. Eventually the nurse came back in with another nurse and told her she could be taken off the backboard. It helped ease the pain a little.
Miles was getting hungry so I started to feed him. Right after I started to nurse the doctor came back into the room and asked all of us to leave. He wanted to talk to my mom alone. I thought that was really weird but I am not too familiar with ER protocol. I just figured he wanted to ask her some questions and didn't want the pressure of everyone around. My mom felt bad that I had just started nursing and I had to go into the hall. She asked if I could stay and he said no. So we all shuffled out into the hallway and the doctor closed the door. My Dad got really antsy and kept asking why he did that. He didn’t think that was a good sign and that something wasn’t right. He decided to distract himself and call Lynn to inform her. It didn't take very long until he opened the door and let us in. I walked in and knew something wasn't right. Her body language was different. I don't even know how to describe it other than she look like she was numb and she didn't like what was said. I ran over to the bedside and asked what the doctor had said. She just said, "I don't want to say." I didn't want to wait so I started naming things off what the doctor might have said. She kept saying no to everything I suggested. I wasn't comfortable with the situation and my dad was still on the phone with Lynn. I started getting after him to say good-bye so Mom could tell us. She informed us we needed to wait for the doctor.
I sat down on the chair and the doctor came in. He informed us that the CAT scan didn't show any breaks or trauma from the accident. But it did show lesions throughout her spine and pelvis that appear to be metastatic cancer. He could have said something after that but I didn't hear anything. I went into shock, my hand immediately went to my mouth and I was yelling, "NO, NO" bawling my head off (I seriously could have won an Oscar for my performance; it was a perfect movie scene). My crying was uncontrollable. I just remember the doctor leaving and apologizing for giving us bad news and my dad collapsing next to the gurney, shaking his head and tearing up (funny side story, my dad hit his head on the gurney when he collapse, we seriously thought he was going to get a black eye). He turned to her and said, "Is that what that pain is that you have been complaining about?" and mom was shaking her head yes. I also remember thinking, I should and need to be strong. My mom should not see me like this. I opened the door and went into the hallway. I still had Miles in my arms and I just leaned against the wall sobbing. I had a million emotions going on. I was shocked, sad and so angry. I had told her for years to get her scans (mammogram and colonoscopy). I informed her I would be SO mad if she got cancer and hadn’t kept up on her scans. Sure enough that anger was there. Then there was guilt for being so angry and sadness with the thought of losing my mother.
The ER folks were super kind and brought me a chair to sit in and some Kleenex. I stayed in the hallway for some time trying to gain my composure. I did calm down and was able to go back into the room. I couldn't look at my mom or I would lose it again and I was so angry still I didn't want to look at her. But I wanted to look at her because I thought she was going to die and I was going to miss her. It was crazy the million emotions that was flowing through me.
From that point on it is kinda a blur. I know Dad called Brian and broke the news to him. He wanted to pack up and come home. However Dad discouraged him from traveling tonight and to head out in the morning. Erin was heading to a concert up at Lake Tahoe so I called her to tell her that mom was ok from the accident and to call when she was done with the concert. We felt that she should be told in person by either mom or dad but we wanted her to enjoy her concert.
The doctor came in and said she could go home, but he wanted her to walk first and contact her primary care doctor before she left. While we were waiting I went and asked if I could see the CAT scan images. The doctor was kind enough to show Matt and I. There were lesions everywhere on her pelvis and up her back ranging from small to large. It was shocking to see. I went back to the room and started tearing up again and informed mom it didn't look good, they were everywhere and there were several.
Some time had passed the doctor came back in and said that he talked to the person on call. The ER doctor asked my mom if she wanted to be admitted and start doing a work-up for cancer. Everyone but my mom jumped in and said yes. He stopped, looked at us and said, "it is her decision, not yours." At that time I just beg and pleaded with my mom, saying, “you have waited long enough, please lets get started." She was hesitant because she really wanted to take a shower. I told her she could shower here. She agreed to stay.
The Doctor left to start the admitting process when the thought came that she really should be over at Saint Marys because of insurance. This changed everything. My dad went and told the doctor and he wasn't sure what he should do. I told him to direct admit her. Thinking that was going to happen I called over to Saint Marys Oncology department and talked to the charge nurse. It happened to be Tara whom I love and trusted. I informed her of the situation and asked if our "big" room was open. It was, and I asked if she could save it for my mom.
I informed my parents what I had done and felt comfortable enough to go home for awhile. I needed to let Norma and Lisa go home. I was still full of emotions so I couldn't really hug my mom, I kinda gave her a pat and Matt walked me out. We both broke down in tears (the first time Matt cried since the news) and talked as we headed out to the car. I kept saying, " I can't lose my mom, I don't know what I would do without her, I am going to be so lost, poor Brielle." All those things kept running through my mind.
I wasn't sure if my mom wanted anyone to know so I had to toughen up and act like everything was ok when I got home. It was very challenging to put a smile on my face and say my mom was ok, but I did. Merlin was at the house so I let him hold Miles. I wasn't in the frame of mind to take pictures of Merlin and Norma with Miles. It didn't take very long for them to pack up and leave.
Matt called and informed me they had arrived to my parents house. He wanted to let me know they were thinking of not going to the hospital because they were going to have to re-admit her from the ER...they didn't direct admit her. They were afraid if they went they were not going to be admitted and she didn't want to sit there in pain for nothing. I really struggled with the idea of her not going. My objective of being admitted was getting the ball rolling and getting an Oncologist and starting some tests. I called Tara and gave her the update and asked what I should do, if I should push her to go or not. We decided that if she didn't want to go we wouldn't push it.
The night was tough at home, alone with a newborn and Brielle and being an emotional wreck. I never broke down while I was at home but Brielle is very sensitive and I know she could sense something was wrong. On top of that she was starving. The two created a nasty combination and she was out of control, trying to hit Miles and acting out. I couldn't handle it. I called Matt to find out where he was and he informed me that he and my dad were heading up to Grandpa and Grandma's house to break the news. It was going to be awhile. That was not what I wanted to hear, I needed his help but he needed to be there for my Dad. So I got off the phone and figured I would pack up and head over to my parents. If they weren't going to go to ER I wanted to spend the night. I wanted to be close to my mom. Having to suck up my emotions and having some time away from the situation helped my anger to disappear and my sorrow and love come forward. So I ran around the house like a chicken with its head cut off trying to remember everything I needed to take. I packed as if we were going to stay the night, I packed up food people had brought in for the baby, I packed the bili blanket and portable bassinette and threw everything and the kids into the car.
When I arrived at my parents Aunt Corrine and Uncle Don were there. I unloaded all of my stuff. Matt informed me that my parents decided to go to the hospital, that was great news! My mom had taken a shower and was feeling a little better. While she was putting on her makeup in the bath room I had a chance to talk to her. I asked her to please be honest with me and tell me how she was feeling. She teared up a little and said, "I think I am going to die. I really do and I am ok with that." She proceeded to say that her only desire is that her kids live righteous enough so we can all be together again. She said she was more grateful now then ever for the plan of salvation. She begged me to make sure Brielle knows how much her Grandma loved her and to tell her that everyday. I was saddened by her words and felt what she was saying was very true. I was surprised by the overwhelming sense of peace while she was talking. I felt that if she died it was going to be really tough but we would be ok.
It was getting to the point where the concert should be over. I called Erin again and she said it was almost done. I suggested she come straight home because we had something to tell her. I fed everyone and my parents took off. I called Tara back and let her know she was coming. She informed me that ER was aware she might come and so was bed control.
I left the food at my parents and the portable bassinette but packed everything else back up and headed home. I called Erin again and informed her Mom was at the hospital again. I didn't want her to be by herself so I suggested she stay at our house. After a few more conversations with my parents, I called Erin back and told her to go to Saint Marys ER.
Dad called and said the ER nurse wanted to talk to me. There was confusion with the room. The nurse got on the phone and I asked what was going on. I guess my mom had told them they had a room reserved, so they were confused thinking she was a direct admit. I informed her I was a nurse on 3NE and had talked to the charge nurse on Oncology and asked her to save the room for my mom if she was admitted. She was not a direct admit. Then I didn't hear anything until around I think after midnight. Dad called and said they were going to admit her! YIPPEE! We said good-night. I put Miles back onto the Bili blanket and we got ready for bed.
I cried some more with Matt before falling asleep. I did ok until early that morning around five when Miles woke up for a feeding and diaper change. Once I put Miles back to bed I just broke down sobbing again thinking of the dreaded doom I felt was coming. I couldn't bear the thought of losing my mom. Looking at my children and thinking they would never know my mom just broke my heart. Matt woke up to my sobs and cuddled with me and I was able to fall back to sleep.
The lab draw was an adventure in and of it itself. Miles woke up at 6:30 so I figured I had enough time to feed him, get ready to go and be there before 8:00. However it took me forever to get out the door between feeding, and dressing and getting myself ready, I was out later than I wanted. The biggest problem was I got lost. I have always driven across town to the Lab Corp over off Baring Blvd but I didn't have the time this morning nor did I find it appropriate. So I looked up the closest Lap Corp and couldn't find it. After driving all the way down Sixth Street and to the Truckee River I discovered I passed it right at the beginning. Oops. I sign in and start digging for my insurance card and can't find it. GREAT! I am already late and now I don't think they will serve me because I don't have my insurance card. Then I remember I never got it back from the doctors office the day before. SHOOT! I informed the front desk that I didn't have my insurance card and she asked if I had used Lab Corp before. Of course. So then they were going to call over to Baring's office but their telephone lines were down. I suggested they call the doctors office (which they did) and I didn't have to be sent away. Thank goodness.
Lap Corp handed me a little hot packet to stick on Miles heel to warm it up and increase the blood flow to that area. It didn't take very long to be called back because it was a STAT order. I didn't think it was that big of a deal to get poked but the lady poked the wrong foot, squeezed it to death and then had to poke the other foot. Miles was so done by the time she finished. I couldn't believe the troubles this lady was having. I almost said, "Here let me do it myself." But I didn't.
We finished up at Lap Corp and ran over to the pediatricians office to get my insurance card and headed home. I made it home just in time to feed Miles and while Matt dropped Brielle off to the Jolley's. Matt picked me up and off we went to Dr. Najami's office. This was a nice visit because the nurse we really like from the office came into the room and chatted with us and checked out the baby. She stayed until Najami walked in. I informed the doctor that I was running a little fever, I ached really bad when I wasn't on Motrin, I was extremely cold the day before, my discharge doesn't seem right, and I was afraid I had an infection. She didn't disagree and said that she wanted to put me on antibiotics just in case I did have an infection. She said it's the perfect antibiotic for any "itis" infection.
We went and ran some errands since we didn't have Brielle. Meanwhile I had remembered that the doctors office was going to call me and tell me the result of the bilirubin lab and if I needed to continue the bili blanket or not. So I called to see if I had missed their call, which I had not, and I gave them my cell phone number.
We went and picked up Brielle and hung out with the Jolley's a little bit. It was fun to see all the kids get so excited about the baby. We didn't want to stay long because I was trying to catch my parents before they took off for girls camp. Back in the truck we went and ran over to my parents. We ended up staying longer than expected. Corrine was heading over with some food for us and it was fun introducing the new baby to her. As a result my parents didn't get away until after three (an hour or so later later than they wanted to). We locked up the house and headed home ourselves. On my way home I called my mom to apologize for keeping them so late and how it was nice to see them, and to drive safe.
Brielle fell asleep on the way home and stayed asleep. One of the "things to do before the baby comes" that didn't get accomplished, because I was early, was grocery shopping. So Matt decided to go to Walmart to pick up my prescription and get some food. I still had not heard from the doctor’s office and tried to call again for the results. They asked me to call if I had not heard from them by four. I seriously hate the waiting game.
I was feeding Miles when Matt called and asked if I had heard from my parents. Right there I knew something was wrong and I responded, "No, why what happen?" That's when he informed me Mom and Dad got in an accident and totaled Grandpa Ross's truck. I FREAKED OUT! I started bawling and was so concerned about my mom and her back. Matt informed me he needed to come home and get the truck and go pick them up. Matt tried to calm me down but all I wanted to do was call my Dad's phone and talk to them. Luckily my dad picked up. I started to cry and asked if they were ok. He informed me they were 'ok.' I asked him what had happen and he said there was a dry lake bed out in Cold Springs. The wind was so strong it picked up the alkaline dirt and created black out conditions. As a result he rear ended some one. I asked him what I needed to do about girl’s camp, who I needed to contact. He wasn't sure. He was close to Mom and handed her the phone, once she picked up I started bawling again asking if she was ok and how sorry I was for making them late. She told me she was sore but ok and I needed to calm down and tell Matt to hurry up. I told her Matt was going to pick up the truck and come and get them.
I got off the phone and called Corrine right away. I wasn't sure if Don was going up to girls camp so I informed her of the news and she said Don wasn't going. She wasn't too sure who was heading up or who we should call. I got off the phone and called Mary Ann Mooney for Roger's cell number. I called Roger since he is the bishop of the 5th ward and hoped he was heading up to girl’s camp. Once he picked up I started bawling again. In fact Roger couldn't even understand me so he had to ask who he was talking to. I finally gained enough composure to ask him if he was going up to girl’s camp. He said he was and he had just left! I informed him of what had happen to my parents and he said he would pull over when he saw them. I just begged and pleaded with him that he figured something out so my Dad did not have to drive up there again the next day. He said they would take care of things. I was SO grateful for him. I felt so much better knowing that Roger was going to be there. Shortly after getting off the phone my mom called (sounding very distressed) and asked where Matt was. This really shook me up and I started crying again and saying, "He is coming, he just needs to pick up the truck and he will be there." Repeating it several times. She just keep saying,
just come get me, I want to go home." I felt so helpless. I had Miles in my arms and Brielle sound asleep and I couldn't help her. I called Matt back and said, "Where are you! You have to go and get them." He informed me he was checking out and would be there soon. I tried to tell him to just leave his cart and come home.
It felt like forever before Matt walked in with all the groceries. Norma and Lisa came in behind him with their arms full of food, beautiful flowers, a gift and a balloon. Matt took off and Norma and Lisa came over to look at the baby and show me pictures of the family reunion. I opened their gift that was a cute outfit. Meanwhile I was trying to balance several phone calls in between our visit. I felt bad because she was trying to figure out what I wanted her to do with dinner and I was so distraught still, I kept saying, "I don’t know, I think I will wait for Matt." At 4:44 Matt sent me a picture of what the truck looked like. The front end was pretty smashed up. Shorty after the text from Matt he called and informed me that mom was taken to the hospital by REMSA and they are heading to Renown. I FREAKED OUT again and wanted to jump in the car right then and head to the hospital. Shortly after that phone call the pediatricians office called, it was the doctor calling about the lab result. He informed me that the bilirubin level was still 13.1 and I needed to keep him under the lights all weekend long. I starting crying and apologized (I am sure he was thinking I had lost it) I tried to explain why I was crying and then asked what kind of follow up I needed to do. He said to make an appointment on Monday to see the doctor, by then Dr. Zucker would be back.
The phone rang again and it was Roger. He too informed me that my mom was going to the hospital. My mom was in good hands and was well taken care of. He proceeded to tell me that when he arrived on scene the highway patrol was a guy he went to high school with. He knew the fire crew and once they saw him (Roger) on scene their care became personal. He also informed me there were several car accidents on that road.
When I got off the phone, once again I felt stuck. I didn't know what to do. I had Norma and Lisa there, Brielle was still asleep, I have a 4 day old baby and I really want to go to the hospital and be there with my mom. I felt really bad but I asked Norma and Lisa if they wouldn't mind staying at the house and watching Brielle while I went to the hospital. They were so kind and told me to go and they would stay. They even offered to watch Miles but I felt that I better take him.
I quickly packed up and headed out the door. My initial thought was I need to get there because mom is going to freak out being in the hospital by herself. I figured it would take Dad and Matt some time before they get to the hospital so the least I could do is be there with Mom. I called Matt to see where he was and much to my surprise he said he was in the Renown waiting room. Really? He said they weren't with mom because she hasn't been assigned a room yet and they were just waiting to hear where she was. I told him I was on my way and he asked me not to come because there wasn't anything I could do. I know he was looking out for the best interest of Miles but there is no way I could sit at home just stirring and wondering what was going on. I needed to be there with my Mom.
I haven't been to Renown since they have remodeled. I thought I was at the front entrance of the ER but Matt couldn't find me. Come to find out I was in the wrong spot. Goes to show you how much I was paying attention. By the time I arrived my mom had a room, howeve, she wasn't there. My first item of business was to give my Dad a huge hug. I noticed his ears and clothes were covered in dirt but I didn't care. I was engulfed by his arms and I just started crying telling him I was SO sorry for making him late it was my fault they were even in that situation. I felt it was all my fault. Once I calmed down stopped embracing him, I asked where Mom was and he said he didn't know. We asked a couple people and they didn't know where she was either. It felt like forever but it was probably 10 minutes before I saw my mom being rolled down the hallway. She was in c-spine precautions so she had the neck brace on and the backboard underneath her. When she got closer I could she how filthy dirty she was. Her face, hair, clothes-everything was caked with dirt. The first thing I said to her was, "Wow Mom you look HOT!" We both chuckled. She was happy to see everyone in the room.
I was hoping Matt's cousin Jamie was working. She is an ER nurse at Renown but I found out she was out of town. I called her anyway because I was curious to know the routine and what the blue section meant. She said we were in the trauma section of the ER. She informed me that all test results should be back in an hour from the time my mom arrived to the room. If we don't hear from a doctor by then we should be harping on the nurse to get the ball rolling. I felt that was very helpful information so we weren't sitting in the ER forever.
My mom was in pain but she was trying to be tough (like she always does). I made Matt hit the nurses light so she can get some pain medication. When the nurse first walked in my mom wasn't going to say anything but I informed her she needed some pain medication. She asked where my moms pain was and she said from her neck all the way down to her legs. The board was really uncomfortable and my mom told the nurse she thinks if she could get off the board she would feel better. My mom would try to wiggle around to get comfortable but it wasn't working. I would get after her because she shouldn't be moving much until we had results.
My mom felt really gross being so dirty. She had Matt wash her face off and we were able to get something to wash her mouth out. She wasn't allowed to eat or drink just in case she had to go into surgery. Eventually the nurse came back in with another nurse and told her she could be taken off the backboard. It helped ease the pain a little.
Miles was getting hungry so I started to feed him. Right after I started to nurse the doctor came back into the room and asked all of us to leave. He wanted to talk to my mom alone. I thought that was really weird but I am not too familiar with ER protocol. I just figured he wanted to ask her some questions and didn't want the pressure of everyone around. My mom felt bad that I had just started nursing and I had to go into the hall. She asked if I could stay and he said no. So we all shuffled out into the hallway and the doctor closed the door. My Dad got really antsy and kept asking why he did that. He didn’t think that was a good sign and that something wasn’t right. He decided to distract himself and call Lynn to inform her. It didn't take very long until he opened the door and let us in. I walked in and knew something wasn't right. Her body language was different. I don't even know how to describe it other than she look like she was numb and she didn't like what was said. I ran over to the bedside and asked what the doctor had said. She just said, "I don't want to say." I didn't want to wait so I started naming things off what the doctor might have said. She kept saying no to everything I suggested. I wasn't comfortable with the situation and my dad was still on the phone with Lynn. I started getting after him to say good-bye so Mom could tell us. She informed us we needed to wait for the doctor.
I sat down on the chair and the doctor came in. He informed us that the CAT scan didn't show any breaks or trauma from the accident. But it did show lesions throughout her spine and pelvis that appear to be metastatic cancer. He could have said something after that but I didn't hear anything. I went into shock, my hand immediately went to my mouth and I was yelling, "NO, NO" bawling my head off (I seriously could have won an Oscar for my performance; it was a perfect movie scene). My crying was uncontrollable. I just remember the doctor leaving and apologizing for giving us bad news and my dad collapsing next to the gurney, shaking his head and tearing up (funny side story, my dad hit his head on the gurney when he collapse, we seriously thought he was going to get a black eye). He turned to her and said, "Is that what that pain is that you have been complaining about?" and mom was shaking her head yes. I also remember thinking, I should and need to be strong. My mom should not see me like this. I opened the door and went into the hallway. I still had Miles in my arms and I just leaned against the wall sobbing. I had a million emotions going on. I was shocked, sad and so angry. I had told her for years to get her scans (mammogram and colonoscopy). I informed her I would be SO mad if she got cancer and hadn’t kept up on her scans. Sure enough that anger was there. Then there was guilt for being so angry and sadness with the thought of losing my mother.
The ER folks were super kind and brought me a chair to sit in and some Kleenex. I stayed in the hallway for some time trying to gain my composure. I did calm down and was able to go back into the room. I couldn't look at my mom or I would lose it again and I was so angry still I didn't want to look at her. But I wanted to look at her because I thought she was going to die and I was going to miss her. It was crazy the million emotions that was flowing through me.
From that point on it is kinda a blur. I know Dad called Brian and broke the news to him. He wanted to pack up and come home. However Dad discouraged him from traveling tonight and to head out in the morning. Erin was heading to a concert up at Lake Tahoe so I called her to tell her that mom was ok from the accident and to call when she was done with the concert. We felt that she should be told in person by either mom or dad but we wanted her to enjoy her concert.
The doctor came in and said she could go home, but he wanted her to walk first and contact her primary care doctor before she left. While we were waiting I went and asked if I could see the CAT scan images. The doctor was kind enough to show Matt and I. There were lesions everywhere on her pelvis and up her back ranging from small to large. It was shocking to see. I went back to the room and started tearing up again and informed mom it didn't look good, they were everywhere and there were several.
Some time had passed the doctor came back in and said that he talked to the person on call. The ER doctor asked my mom if she wanted to be admitted and start doing a work-up for cancer. Everyone but my mom jumped in and said yes. He stopped, looked at us and said, "it is her decision, not yours." At that time I just beg and pleaded with my mom, saying, “you have waited long enough, please lets get started." She was hesitant because she really wanted to take a shower. I told her she could shower here. She agreed to stay.
The Doctor left to start the admitting process when the thought came that she really should be over at Saint Marys because of insurance. This changed everything. My dad went and told the doctor and he wasn't sure what he should do. I told him to direct admit her. Thinking that was going to happen I called over to Saint Marys Oncology department and talked to the charge nurse. It happened to be Tara whom I love and trusted. I informed her of the situation and asked if our "big" room was open. It was, and I asked if she could save it for my mom.
I informed my parents what I had done and felt comfortable enough to go home for awhile. I needed to let Norma and Lisa go home. I was still full of emotions so I couldn't really hug my mom, I kinda gave her a pat and Matt walked me out. We both broke down in tears (the first time Matt cried since the news) and talked as we headed out to the car. I kept saying, " I can't lose my mom, I don't know what I would do without her, I am going to be so lost, poor Brielle." All those things kept running through my mind.
I wasn't sure if my mom wanted anyone to know so I had to toughen up and act like everything was ok when I got home. It was very challenging to put a smile on my face and say my mom was ok, but I did. Merlin was at the house so I let him hold Miles. I wasn't in the frame of mind to take pictures of Merlin and Norma with Miles. It didn't take very long for them to pack up and leave.
Matt called and informed me they had arrived to my parents house. He wanted to let me know they were thinking of not going to the hospital because they were going to have to re-admit her from the ER...they didn't direct admit her. They were afraid if they went they were not going to be admitted and she didn't want to sit there in pain for nothing. I really struggled with the idea of her not going. My objective of being admitted was getting the ball rolling and getting an Oncologist and starting some tests. I called Tara and gave her the update and asked what I should do, if I should push her to go or not. We decided that if she didn't want to go we wouldn't push it.
The night was tough at home, alone with a newborn and Brielle and being an emotional wreck. I never broke down while I was at home but Brielle is very sensitive and I know she could sense something was wrong. On top of that she was starving. The two created a nasty combination and she was out of control, trying to hit Miles and acting out. I couldn't handle it. I called Matt to find out where he was and he informed me that he and my dad were heading up to Grandpa and Grandma's house to break the news. It was going to be awhile. That was not what I wanted to hear, I needed his help but he needed to be there for my Dad. So I got off the phone and figured I would pack up and head over to my parents. If they weren't going to go to ER I wanted to spend the night. I wanted to be close to my mom. Having to suck up my emotions and having some time away from the situation helped my anger to disappear and my sorrow and love come forward. So I ran around the house like a chicken with its head cut off trying to remember everything I needed to take. I packed as if we were going to stay the night, I packed up food people had brought in for the baby, I packed the bili blanket and portable bassinette and threw everything and the kids into the car.
When I arrived at my parents Aunt Corrine and Uncle Don were there. I unloaded all of my stuff. Matt informed me that my parents decided to go to the hospital, that was great news! My mom had taken a shower and was feeling a little better. While she was putting on her makeup in the bath room I had a chance to talk to her. I asked her to please be honest with me and tell me how she was feeling. She teared up a little and said, "I think I am going to die. I really do and I am ok with that." She proceeded to say that her only desire is that her kids live righteous enough so we can all be together again. She said she was more grateful now then ever for the plan of salvation. She begged me to make sure Brielle knows how much her Grandma loved her and to tell her that everyday. I was saddened by her words and felt what she was saying was very true. I was surprised by the overwhelming sense of peace while she was talking. I felt that if she died it was going to be really tough but we would be ok.
It was getting to the point where the concert should be over. I called Erin again and she said it was almost done. I suggested she come straight home because we had something to tell her. I fed everyone and my parents took off. I called Tara back and let her know she was coming. She informed me that ER was aware she might come and so was bed control.
I left the food at my parents and the portable bassinette but packed everything else back up and headed home. I called Erin again and informed her Mom was at the hospital again. I didn't want her to be by herself so I suggested she stay at our house. After a few more conversations with my parents, I called Erin back and told her to go to Saint Marys ER.
Dad called and said the ER nurse wanted to talk to me. There was confusion with the room. The nurse got on the phone and I asked what was going on. I guess my mom had told them they had a room reserved, so they were confused thinking she was a direct admit. I informed her I was a nurse on 3NE and had talked to the charge nurse on Oncology and asked her to save the room for my mom if she was admitted. She was not a direct admit. Then I didn't hear anything until around I think after midnight. Dad called and said they were going to admit her! YIPPEE! We said good-night. I put Miles back onto the Bili blanket and we got ready for bed.
I cried some more with Matt before falling asleep. I did ok until early that morning around five when Miles woke up for a feeding and diaper change. Once I put Miles back to bed I just broke down sobbing again thinking of the dreaded doom I felt was coming. I couldn't bear the thought of losing my mom. Looking at my children and thinking they would never know my mom just broke my heart. Matt woke up to my sobs and cuddled with me and I was able to fall back to sleep.
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